What I am leaving behind in 2015

2015-16

On the last day of 2015 I took sometime to clarify what I want to leave behind. All this talk of New Years Resolutions gets old – but we can’t add things into our life without clearing some space. Here’s what I am saying goodbye to. What are you leaving behind? 


 

I am leaving behind feeling sorry for myself. It hasn’t served me at all. In fact, its driven me further away from owning the power I have as a woman, wife, and mother. This new year I am owning my power and making more space for it by setting aside the feelings that say “but what about me” “look at me” because I will be making time for me, and I will be acknowledging myself.

I am leaving behind burnout and welcoming happy exhaustion. Two totally different things. Yes, this will be another sleep deprived year – but it will come as beautiful exhaustion. Raising a busy beautiful toddler and breastfeeding a newborn – rejoicing in our last born child due in May. I will savor every exhaustive morsel, I will cling to these moments as my newborn clings to my breast and my toddler calls out “Mommmmmeeeeeeeee”. I will love these moments, instead of wish them away. Even on the days I go at the parenting things alone. I will relish them – I will keep them in a keepsake box that lives within me that holds the beautiful moments I want to cling to.

Like the other evening when we all just hung out – when Xander sat on the counter while I prepared dinner and ate a bite of every vegetable I would cut, when he laughed uncontrollably over dinner with his dad, or started singing whatever song it is that he has started singing that just sounds like “happpyyyy, happy, happppy”. Bath time and splashes, and a bit of a fight to put on the pjs, and the regularly scheduled cuddles, milk and then into bed. Those moments when the house is quiet, Jess and I sink into the couch with no agenda, my head on his shoulder, our eyes half glazed over from the day’s events, but a deep seated contentment fills my heart. More of these, way more of these in 2016.

I am leaving behind not taking care of myself. While this is another big family year, the only way that this family will be happy and content is if I start taking better care of myself. This was the year I made baby steps, 2016 will go down as the year I actually did it. I will go to Mexico in January and rest, reflect and prepare for the year ahead. I will take naps when i need to, I will take a night away once a quarter, I will ask for help when Jess is traveling. And when he is home, I will most especially learn how to communicate better and ask for help.

I am leaving behind the feeling of being stuck and instead embracing freedom. This life may not be what I imagined it would be – it’s better and getting better. It’s giving me choices and I am making them. This life is full of surprises and my emotions will not hold me back any longer. I will forge new neural pathways, I will find the backroads in my brain that are adventurous and new. I will learn to find joy instead of sorrow, and connection instead of isolation.

I am leaving behind people I don’t like. I will not spend time with people who do not encourage or leave me feeling fuller. And I will no longer feel like I have to fix relationships that don’t do this. I have friendships that are still seedlings that need to be nurtured and I need to give more space and encouragement to them, and I have friendships that are tall oak trees that will always be there. I need these both in my life and I need to know that some friendships are tumbleweeds and will not last. And that’s ok too.

I am leaving behind uncommunicated expectations. Huge! There is a pit of these that live within me and leave me disappointed way more often than I should be – and I am the only one to blame. I am piling these expectations on the doorstep of 2015 and closing the door. If I am unable to express these expectations, ask for support or do something about them, then they are not worthy of breathing the air.

I have a husband that wants me to be happy, wants to do what he can to support me, but needs to know how – and I need to know how to ask. I have friends and family that are incredible, and if I need something I need not sit around waiting to be asked. I also need to give up any expectations that others are on this same path – that family and friends are on their own journey and that I can’t expect them to be where I am. This is wasteful and I must love them where they are or choose not to invest my energy and time.

I am leaving behind wasting my time. Instagram and Facebook have been a timesuck. I’ve learned how to control it better but not great. I need less of checking feeds and more of feeding my soul. I need more spiritual feeding. I need more incredible books, incredible conversations and journaling and writing.

I am leaving behind working and living for another’s dream and making space for my own dreams. I am prioritizing my work so that I can completely work for myself in 2 years. By the end of 2016 I would like to be well on the path to having a successful start up and by the end of 2017 be paid full time by that successful start up.

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